April Fools!

Above Hideaway
I walked through the spartan hallways of the flagship under pale blue lights. End of the hall, a hexagonal automatic door hissed open. I stepped on the lift. A young woman in a command jacket moved over, smiled, called me captain. Long brown hair, blue eyes. The same as mine. That’s what I hate about coming home – hard to tell who I’m related to. Half the crew probably shares a little DNA with me.

“Deck seventeen.”

“Yes sir.” She pressed the button.

I checked my equipment while I rode the elevator down. Everything I carried would dissolve if it wasn’t plugged in once a day. No sense in leaving something behind that could make things complicated. Laser sword? Check. Forcefield belt buckle? Check. Smart watch with trans-temporal emitter? Check.

Hopefully, Charley would drop me within arm’s reach of the guy, and I would be home in time for tea, yesterday.

The door to the lift opened. Another hallway, same as the other.

Passed Lieutenant Berry halfway down. He was a little taller than me, with those same blue eyes. Could have gotten them anywhere, but it still creeps me out.

“Captain Grandad,” he said.

I waved him off with a smile and kept going. Big hexagonal door at the end had a sign painted in red letters. “Teleporter Room 4.” I walked in without slowing down. The door hissed shut behind me.

Charley stood from behind his console looking trim, with a little goatee and short grey hair. His black uniform onesie probably dated from the last Andromedan War. He was old as hell; older if you count the fact he was technically born seven hundred years ago.

Administration didn’t see anything wrong with pulling him out of the timeline, so what’s the difference if I leave a couple of kids behind, right?

“Sir, ready for transport?”

I stepped on the dais, surrounded in mirrors. “Ready as ever.”

“Just to warn you, I received updated history on your target. We’re only 95% certain of where he was standing.”

“Good enough for me.” I drew my laser sword and fingered the emitter switch. “Engage.”

He nodded. “Happy hunting.”

Electricity crackled around my body as I dissolved into light, scattered, and reflected off the mirrors. My stomach lurched, and I found myself standing under a blue sky on an asphalt road. Old style dropships hovered high above twenty acres of expensive landscaping and a building so self-important it generated its own forcefield.

A couple people faced down a man in robotic armor. He hovered a few feet up, with the jets on his feet kicking up dust. Stubby wings supported a hodgepodge of weaponry as if he didn’t know what sort of alien he’d be killing today. Lasers. Mini-missiles. Tasers. Anti-retina strobes.

His comically deep voice played over a speaker, projecting faux authority. “I’m Agent 957 of the Human Ascendancy’s Genetic Management Office. I’m here searching for criminals and all who aid them. Surrender now or face the might of the Human Ascendancy.”

“Excuse me.” I shouted over the roar of his engines. The suit pivoted to face me. “I’m Agent 3-X-E. I regret to inform you that your timeline has been tampered with. You, personally, were meant to be rejected from the academy. Further, your intelligence on this operation was sent to you by enemies of the Galactic Council as part of a plot to subvert future technological development. You can return with me to my time if you like, but you can’t stay here.”

I didn’t really expect him to take my offer. He fired a pair of mini-missiles, an appropriate amount of force if I were an android.

Unfortunately for him, no period weapons could penetrate my shield. I stood in the cloud of smoke, safe from the heat of the blast, and activated the laser sword. Twenty feet of plasma sprung from the mouth of the tube.

The smoke cleared. Agent 957 was in two piles, one on either side of the road.

I yawned and tapped my watch as I turned to my awestruck observers. “Charley.”

His voice played back over the little speaker. “Yes sir?”

“I have some loose ends to clean up. Wait for my signal.” Clicked the watch again, turning the screen off. Walked up to the first young soldier and smiled to ease her nerves. “Anyone need a drink?”

April Fools!
If you enjoyed this bit, check out my fantasy serial at https://winocthetraveler.com/2017/09/22/erland-the-northman/ and follow me on twitter @John_Calligan

I really enjoyed catching up on Legion and had a great time guest writing. Thanks for having me!

And you can check out my (Jim Zoetewey’s) contribution to April Fools Day at


6 thoughts on “April Fools!”

  1. From this point forwards, the mission will be led by Agent 958!
    I obviously enjoyed the temporal element here (given what I write), but nice one on the secondary character focus too, John.

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